Let us begin by saying that these underwears have taught me the true meaning of 'Panty Privilege.' Panty Privilege is the privilege enjoyed by those living in cold places. Y'all up in the north have panty privilege. You can buy ten pairs of heavy cotton for ten bucks and call it a day. If I wear those cheap heavy cottons down here in TEXAS, I get a medical condition I call "Sous-Vide Crotch."
Do I need to explain "Sous-Vide Crotch?" It's hot in Texas. Hot, and humid. And, see, a man's body, in certain regions, is built like if you sealed a couple of steaks in plastic wrap and pressed them between two pork chops in a steam bath. It's not a good scene.
In Texas, you can't get cheap underwear. You gotta spring for the good stuff, with moisture wicking fabric and the space-age designs. It's expensive! Y'all can buy whatever with your northern privilege, but I gotta put myself in debt for my underwear. It's not fair! That's Panty Privilege.
But oh, MAN, is it WORTH IT.
These undies are the bomb. Yo.
First of all, this material sucks moisture away from my ____ like my old girlfriend _____ used to do in the back seat of my dad's ______ down at _______. We would park behind the _____ and she would ______ my _______for like _____ hours, and let me tell YOU, when _____ was done I was moisture-FREE. It's was like the California desert down there, and I'm happy to report, it's like the California desert down there TODAY: It's dry, it's beautiful in an austere kinda way, and if you're lucky, you might find some drugs buried in the sand.
But let's talk design.
I'm a 'yank it over' man when it comes to pee-time. The fly on conventional underwear just...doesn't work. It's like that scene in Entrapment where Catherine Zeta-Jones has to maneuver her butt around a bunch of lasers to go pee. (In this scenario, my _____ is Catherine Zeta-Jones' butt.) I learned a long time ago that it was better to go "over the top," if you will. Less chance of "Kessel ____," as the doctors call it. (It's caused by excessive twisting and turning.)
The fly on THESE undies is like the scene in Doctor Strange where he uses those sparky orange portals to get from place to place. Like, oh, time to pee? BRZAAMP! Let's go, Wong!
My partner LOVES the fly on these things. It's like a pop-up book for grown-up times. "Pull tab for ____."
This fly is so easy I play with it for fun. I don't mean, like, '13-year-old-locked-in-the-'bathroom-fun." I mean like, "the-first-time-you-had-a-car-with-power-windows" kinda fun. SUPER entertaining.
Now, it's going to be hard to describe the fly in these things without talking dirty, but gosh darn it I'm gonna do my best...PEN–no, that's wrong...
These undies have a pouch for your...kumquats. Your kumquats get their own STUDIO APARTMENT. A STUDIO APARTMENT that KEEPS THEM from STICKING to your INNER THIGH. Do you guys shave your kumquats? I like, trim my kumquats. You know how sometimes well-shorn kumquats kinda meld into your flesh like in John Carpenter's The Thing? These undies will keep your well-shorn kumquats from melding into the flesh of your thigh like in John Carpenter's The Thing. They're great.
On top of the studio apartment for your kumquats, these undies feature a SECOND pouch SOLELY INTENDED for your...overworked office drone. (If you get my drift.) NOW. Have you ever seen those sleeper-tubes they have for overworked office-drones? They're big in the version of Tokyo you see on the internet. It's a bed in a tube! Comfort and convenience comingled! These undies have a SLEEPER TUBE for your OVERWORKED OFFICE DRONE. What you do is, you hoist your overworked office-drone over your kumquat's studio apartment and stuff him into the sleeper tube. AND HE JUST CHILLS. He's surrounded by moisture-wicking cloth, he doesn't get stuck to anything, it's super-comfy. Kinda weird if he...wakes up. BUT THEN YOU GET TO USE THE WONDER-FLY.
Let's talk more about the fly. The fly is HORIZONTAL. It's just like, a portcullis. A door you raise to let the overworked office-drone out for battle. Except now he's not an overworked office-drone anymore. Now he's a KNIGHT. He's a KNIGHT because he's just chillin' in his sleeper tube, and then you just pull up the curtain and KA-POW! It's brave Sir Wong, tumescent Knight of the Kumquat Table!
All jokes aside, (nope,) if you want something that will make your meat and potatoes look like a feast, if you want something that'll make your bait and tackle look like a long-line fishing trawler, if you want something that'll make your arm and hammer look like THOR ODINSON'S arm and hammer, get these undies. They are very comfortable on your penis and testicles.
PS: They come with instructions. DETAILED instructions. SUPER-DETAILED instructions on which leg goes where, first leg, second leg and...third leg. If you catch my drift.
(They come with detailed and explicit instructions where to put your penis and it is glorious.)